The puking sounds you’re about to hear will be coming from the Arizona Cardinals. They just had one of the wildest playoff experiences in NFL history, culminating in an epic Super Bowl that was decided in––what for them––was a gut-wrenching final few seconds. No doubt, Arizona’s unlikely run through last year’s postseason was “a good time” for the ages. But tomorrow morning is about to arrive, which means so is the hangover.

You might be inclined to refute this team’s susceptibility to a Super Bowl hangover. Don’t. Sure, the Cardinals have a future Hall of Fame quarterback in Kurt Warner. Yes, they have the game’s most acrobatic––and arguably best––wide receiver in Larry Fitzgerald. And a superstar No. 2 receiver in Anquan Boldin. And yes, the core of their defense returns. And yes, Ken Whisenhunt has instilled a winning mindset in the Bidwell Family’s once perpetually-pathetic organization.

It doesn’t matter. The Super Bowl hangover is the real deal. It’s a football nightmare––an amalgamation of injuries, ego clashes, apathy and miscellaneous bad luck. It will strike the Cardinals because it strikes every Super Bowl loser the following year. Just ask the powerhouse Patriots, who missed the playoffs last season after the indestructible Tom Brady blew out his knee in Week 1. Or ask the eight of nine Super Bowl losers before New England who all missed the playoffs the following season.

None of those Super Bowl losers were as ripe for a hangover as this Cardinals team. For starters, we forget that Arizona really wasn’t that great in 2008. They finished the regular season with a 9-7 record that, with blowout losses at the hands of the Jets (35-56), Eagles (20-48), Vikings (14-35) and Patriots (7-47), felt more like 5-11. They showed a dreadful lack of focus and character in those lopsided defeats––or, to put it in affirmative terms, an extraordinary penchant for complacency.

Now they enter 2009 as a team laced with big-name veterans who are unhappy with their contracts. Anquan Boldin did not get the trade he demanded and remains stuck in a deal that doesn’t expire until after the 2010 season. Boldin, who replaced agent Drew Rosenhaus with Tom Condon, stayed away from virtually all offseason activities. So did Darnell Dockett (a current Rosenhaus client). The All-Pro yet occasional underachieving defensive tackle (depending on what week you catch him) is yearning to be unshackled from the remaining three years of his contract.

Star inside linebacker Karlos Dansby was in the same camp as Boldin and Dockett until he decided that he actually didn’t mind banking about $9 million as a franchise tag recipient for a second consecutive year. But observers believe Dansby is dead set on becoming a free agent in 2010, when the NFL will likely be without a salary cap. Perhaps he’ll play inspired football. Or, maybe he’ll play selfish football.

Dansby’s fellow linebacker, Bertrand Berry, is also in a contract year, though it’s one he just signed. Berry had to settle for a one-year deal that pays near the veteran minimum after originally rejecting the team’s larger offer and unsuccessfully testing the free agent market. Berry also kept his distance during most of the offseason.

But perhaps these situations aren’t that big of deal. After all, Boldin was upset all of last season, and Dockett has also been through this same charade before. Both still performed like stars. This past offseason, Kurt Warner wasn’t happy with the front office’s original lowball contract offers, but he got over it, signing for $23 million over two years. Adrian Wilson was also displeased before the team offered him a five-year, $39 million contract. In other words, pro football is a business.

But the Super Bowl hangover has always been about a combination of factors. The Cardinals are also moving forward without rising offensive coordinator Todd Haley (the vocal practice leader and playcaller became the head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs) and without defensive coordinator Clancy Pendergast, who was fired after his unit ranked 28th in scoring and in the red zone last season. Haley is being replaced by three men from within: Whisenhunt, who will call plays like he did in ’07; offensive line coach Russ Grimm, who will guide the running game; receivers coach Mike Miller, who will oversee the passing attack. Pendergast’s duties will be assumed by former linebackers coach Bill Davis.

Then there is the issue of expectations and having that big target on your back. It’s a vague thing, but something this traditionally-unsuccessful franchise has never had to deal with. The Cardinals are lucky to be playing in a second-rate division, though all three other NFC West teams got markedly better over the offseason.

But let’s say you don’t believe in the Super Bowl hangover. Let’s say you shun voodoo or karma or, in this case, blatant historical evidence. Fine. The Cardinals still won’t make the playoffs in 2009. Why? Because, as you’re about to read, they’re simply not good enough.

Click here to continue reading…